Green Ink

Intermission

2009-04-15T13:59:00.001Z

Green Ink has reached the end of its current incarnation.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Green Ink will return.

Sunday Tribune's Positivity Issue

2009-03-16T00:47:00.003Z

The site is down tonight. They may have changed their minds.

Green Ink's Week: The Dogs Have No War

2009-03-15T17:58:00.002Z

New one up on Irish Election.

Green Party Convention 09

2009-03-07T14:00:00.004Z

There's coverage on Twitter, Scribble Live, Gavin's Blog and Mark Coughlin.

RTE Primetime "Live"

2009-03-05T23:21:00.006Z

RTE, please disclose when your interviews are prerecorded. Otherwise you're FUCKING LYING.

UPDATE: Duke MacGyver captured it for posterior:

Rolling On Floor In Rage Copter

2009-03-04T20:03:00.003Z

Oh fuck me does it ever stop? Martin Cullen today defended his airborne taxi trip:
"Minister Cullen agreed the affair looks bad in light of the way it is presented by the media."

Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok... Ok. Sorry, no. Did you just say using a helicopter as a taxi looks bad because it was reported? You did didn't you? Sorry Martin old bean, we'll all just look over here while you swan around the skies doing NOTHING. Best we just don't find out about it.

"The minister said if he had not used the helicopter he would have spent around nine hours in the car that day, when he could have been attending meetings."

Ok, but did you attend any meetings motherfucker? You could have been inventing a cure for cancer as well but I bet you weren't. You could have been distributing hot meals to the elderly, but I bet you weren't. You could even have spent 9 hours looking out the car window reflecting on what a godawful cunt you are. But I bet you didn't.

Here's a modest proposal. Let's stop all public spending on Waterford until we've made back the total cost of the e-voting fist fuck that Cullen was up to his elbows in. The people of Waterford can either sit it out until the amount is matched, wait for a general election and pull his seat from under him, or all show up at his house one morning and kick him to fucking pieces. It's multiple choice Waterford. You know what they say about multiple choice questions?

The answer is always C.

Mary Coughlan In Gratuitous Beaver Shot

2009-03-04T00:22:00.004Z

Jeshus howsh it goin' lads? I'm the Tanaiste! Wild craic!
Ye know that Paul Gogarty's a big ride. Those come to bed ears, I swear to fuck! Anyway, got a kuntray to ruin!
Aw fuck d'ye hear me? Run I meant! Jeshus Chrisht!

Brains...

2009-03-03T15:37:00.004Z

...they want to eat them. Gaze upon the sweaty nightmare of heart attack fodder, this zombie corps of clientelism, the politically inbred eunuchs of thought.
These are the gormless fucks that have sucked the country's marrow dry.

This rambling mass of the political undead has one craving: power for its party over the good of the country. These are the bastard children of Charles Haughey, and their putrid hearts pump the bile of greed through the body politic.
But some zombies have bad footing. Watch FF's resident BeeGee John Foley to Davin-Power's left. Heh.
Zombie fall down.

Roflcopter! But Seriously, No More Fucking Helicopters

2009-03-03T00:48:00.006Z

Martin Cullen narrowly missed becoming one less mouth to feed yesterday when the door fell of his helicopter which is a shame on one hand but at least the pilot's significant other has still got a significant other. A slight lurch on the way down might have dislodged the useless cunt in the back seat headfirst into the nearest pile of cowshite. No such luck this time, but surely the Minister can get his blowjobs closer to home?
Seriously, you pack of utter cunts, stop fannying around in helicopters. In fact, stay indoors. We don't want to see you and you're going to get a puck in the gob for starters when we do.
And that's just for fannying around in helicopters. The public might seem quiet at the moment about your flushing jobs and money down the toilet, but we're actually way way over there in the distance to get a good run at your big, rancorous, wasting holes.

Did Fianna Fail Get Its Own Web Address Wrong?

2009-02-28T23:08:00.006Z

Suzy, Damien and I assume Mick, among others got the following email after the ~~rousing rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow~~ Leader's Speech at the Fianna Fail Ard Fheis tonight:

Dear friend,

I’ve just come off stage at Fianna Fáil’s Ard Fheis, where I’ve outlined the difficult measures we’re having to take to help return the country to growth. I was frank about the scale of the problems we face, but I’m optimistic about the ability of the Irish people to meet these challenges through the hard work and ingenuity we’ve always shown. We’re a resilient and creative nation and we’ll meet our challenges together.

You’ve heard from me, now I want to hear from you.

I’m asking each of you to submit a question for me, which I’ll answer as many as I can via video right here on the new Fianna Fáil website. Submit your questions at:

http://www.fiannafail.com/askthetaoiseach

To better serve you, and to help lead us out of this recession, I want to hear what you thought of my speech, the questions you might have about some of the important measures I’ve announced and your ideas about how Fianna FÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¡il can set Ireland back on the road to growth and renewed prosperity.

Ask me questions - as directly as you want to - and I’ll answer them in the clearest terms possible. I want to embrace a new openness and engage with you in honest conversation about the direction of the country. Post a question for me:

http://www.fiannafail.ie/askthetaoiseach

Our Ard Fheis is finishing up now and I’d like to thank the many thousands of Fianna Fail members who came and made their voices heard.

Wishing you and your family security in these difficult times,

Brian Cowen

Taoiseach

P.S. if you were unable to attend the Ard Fheis or missed the coverage on television and radio, we covered the event on our website and we’ll be adding more speeches and video over the coming days.

That first URL goes nowhere. In the same week they fucked up the FF website launch they manage to fuck up another strand of their online outreach reacharound.
Epicer and Epicer FAIL.

Brian Cowen Inspirational Hero Uber-Taoiseach

2009-02-28T22:38:00.004Z

Taoiseach Brian Cowen explaining through mime this evening his plan to free Ireland from recession.

Bodies the Exhibition

2009-02-28T19:16:00.001Z

Mmmm. Death porn.

#ffaf

2009-02-28T18:50:00.003Z

Makes you feel a bit sick, doesn't it?

#ffaf on twitter.

RTE And The Long Arm Of The Law

2009-02-28T12:24:00.004Z

Looks like the RTE newsroom had a few scoops before filing this breathless story.

" The device was found on the person of a man in his mid 20s who was arrested in Athlone this afternoon by gardaí in Galway following the recovery of a fireman."

OK BUT WHAT HAPPENED THE FIREMAN???? And how long are the arms on those Guards in Galway who can arrest someone that's in Athlone? Now that's policework.

Free Oral Sex For Bloggers On Ryanair Flights

2009-02-27T00:20:00.004Z

By Made in Hollywood.

The Rospars of Ob

2009-02-25T22:28:00.001Z

Joe Rospars Talk: Fianna FAIL Web 2.0

2009-02-25T19:29:00.010Z

Fianna Fail have managed to completely cunt any potential relationship they might have had with bloggers. Read the tweets for the Joe Rospars (Obama's webby guy) talk, which turned into the launch of the new FF website for bloggers who thought they were there to hear Joe Rospars.

UPDATE: FionnTimes has a screengrab from Strawberry Media billing for the event. No mention of Fianna FAIL.

UPDATE 2: The Rospars of Ob.

Irish Blog Awards 2009

2009-02-23T15:29:00.002Z

That was... fucking great. They should have it every year.

Mervyn Storey- Dear God, What Were You Thinking?

2009-02-13T12:24:00.002Z

Mervyn Storey clearly needs proof that there is no intelligent design. Green Ink recommends precise measurements taken from reflectulation in a science mirror.

Entire Green Party Possessed By Alan Partridge

2009-01-24T18:42:00.002Z

Via Suzy.

Special Request: Senator Donie Cassidy

2009-01-23T01:08:00.005Z

Senator Donie Cassidy, Fianna Fail fuckwit at the request of Declan.

If there's a particular maleficent cunt in public life you'd like to see get the Green Ink treatment, drop us a line. There's an awful lot to choose from.

Green Party News

2009-01-22T18:24:00.002Z

Awardipants

2009-01-21T02:25:00.003Z

Photo owned by Eoin O'Mahony (cc)

Green Ink by two by the looks of things: Best Political Blog and Best Humour Blog.

What's wrong with you people? This is neither political nor humourous. This is a baaaad place. You shouldn't come here. Go on. Fuck off.

(Thanks for the nom nom.)

Green Ink's Week: The Quiet Man

2009-01-21T02:13:00.002Z

This week on Irish Election: Brian Cowen never mentioned the IMF...

Green Ink Exclusive: Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital Goes to Hell

2009-01-12T23:24:00.006Z

Green Ink can reveal tonight the HSE's masterplan regarding Drogheda's Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital. A leaky artery has revealed that not only is the hospital closed to A&E and surgical cases, it is being moved in its entirety to Hell.

The move is the final phase of the hospital's 30 year plan, Green Ink has learned. The manager of the hospital, Des O'Flynn was unavailable for comment tonight. According to a spokesdemon Mr. Flynn is preparing for a massive human sacrifice in the morning, which will open a portal to Hell. Once Mr. Flynn has established the portal it is believed he and disgraced obstetrician and High Lord of the Third Circle of GGryxxxxxllnqqqqq Michael Neary will begin to have sex with the corpses as part of a levitation spell which will transport the entire building and the souls trapped within to Hell.

In scenes not reminiscent of 9/11 terrified staff at the hospital have been jumping to their deaths from ground floor windows. One survived long enough to pass Green Ink his mobile phone on which he had taken a photograph of another of the senior demons. Readers may find the malice in this photo horrific and beyond normal human comprehension:

Another spokesdemon for the hospital said the situation was "blah blah platitude platitude". He then ate a baby and picked his teeth with its bones. In gutteral otherworldly tones he revealed that former Financial Regulator Pat Neary would be taking up the post of Defilement Regulator.

There are no plans to change the hospital's name with the move. it is being kept as an affront to God Almighty, as indeed the hospital has been run for the last 30 years. Further coverage can be found on RTE. Jesus Christ.

Special Request: Bishop John Magee

2009-01-12T22:48:00.002Z

A special request from Bock. John Magee helps manage a front organisation for professional child rapists.

If you have a particular cunt in public life you'd like to appear here, leave a comment or email Green Ink at the address opposite.

Special Request: Sammy Wilson MLA

2009-01-12T14:17:00.002Z

First special request: Sammy Wilson for Manuel.

Leave a comment or email if there's some bastard you want done. In pens that is.

Green Ink's Week Is Back. Also, Taking Requests.

2009-01-08T19:42:00.007Z

You're going to need some scathing fucking cartoonists in the next while. I'm here to help. Let me know if you'd like something special, which politician or public figure is fucking you off the most, and what you'd like me to do to them.

Let it all out.

Anyway, this week on Irish Election, Brian Cowen gets infected with bad news.

People of Mayo, You Dozy Cunts.

2009-01-07T10:47:00.003Z

Your elected harridan is rubbing all of our faces in her foul arsehole for kicks. If you're really so masochistic, come next election have a bath with a toaster instead of going to the polling booths.
Beverly Flynn is a fat leeching cunt
Beverly Flynn eats puppies
Beverly Flynn takes secret shits in baker's dough

UPDATE: It just got too hot. She's dropping the allowance. She feels hurt by some of the things the media has said about her. Well Beverley, I feel for you. Now you've done the right thing, I'm sure the criticism will die down again. If it makes you feel better though, you'll always be a cunt in my book.

Hey Israel

2009-01-06T16:19:00.003Z

Photo owned by Stinkie Pinkie (cc)

Hamas killed innocent people. Now you're killing lots and lots of innocent people to punish Hamas. Think that'll work?
It might if your intention is to kill every living thing in Gaza. Is that it? Is that what the big plan is?

Tony Gregory RIP

2009-01-02T21:43:00.001Z

Very sad news.

A Very Merry Christmas From Green Ink

2008-12-24T14:55:00.003Z

Green Ink wishes the greatest Christmas ever for everybody that had no hand in swindling the country. As for the rest of you, Green Ink hopes you choke to death on a turkey bone.

Sean Motherfucking Fitzpatrick

2008-12-19T11:09:00.003Z

Wedgie for you Sean, when the revolution comes.

How many shades of brown can one man be?

Public Enquiry
Statement from Sean Motherfucking Fitzpatrick
Julian Gough
Gavin

The Irish Are A Soft Bunch Of Bastards

2008-12-17T12:10:00.003Z

Look at what you tolerate then prove me wrong:

Irish Government’s Budget Deficit

The 'Rubber Room' Republic

There's no good ringing Joe Duffy after the horse has bolted. You made this by voting Fianna Fail, the most corrupt party in the State. You knew who you were voting for.

Well? What have you to say for yourselves?

A Christmas Message From The Lean Party

2008-12-16T20:44:00.006Z

Sterling work you turkeys.

Minister DIck Roche Gunned Down In Hotel Heist

2008-12-16T00:34:00.000Z

Sigh...

Cashing In On Throwing Shoes At George Bush

2008-12-16T00:15:00.005Z

These beautiful genuine leather mens' shoes are the perfect projectile to hurl at visiting bellicose dignitaries. Specially crafted insoles mean miles and miles of walking on George Bush's face without the least discomfort. This is a limited time offer.
Don't think of it as buying a pair of throwing shoes. It's your investment in a beautiful heirloom you could pass down to your children if they hadn't been blown to bits by America.

And coming soon: the boomerang edition.

Round, Green, Salty and Falls

2008-12-15T23:37:00.003Z

I just got a takeaway pizza with those little green salty things. They all fell off. I spent 5 minutes picking them off the floor before I realised what I was doing.

Some fucking caper.

Green Ink's Top Tips For Irish Consumers

2008-12-10T09:33:00.003Z

Photo owned by Hanna Iris Tolonen (cc)

Find out how to make incredible savings over at Value Ireland.

Brian Lenihan Down To His Last Jewel-Encrusted Goblet

2008-12-03T16:33:00.003Z

Brian Lenihan says we're living beyond our means. When did you figure that out Brian? When the banks were coming to you demanding you bail them out having given all their money to your developer friends who can't sell their shit houses in their shit estates? Well aren't you just a shiny penny of clevererness.
I simply haven't been able to even bring myself to comment on the last few weeks. That tends to happen when real life overtakes satire in terms of avarice, stupidity and greed. How do you exaggerate the largesse in FAS? The entire agency is a joke, I couldn't possibly add to it. I mean, spending almost the entire budget of a scheme on raising awareness of the scheme so there's no money left for the scheme. You couldn't get such refined existential meaninglessness if you blended the entire works of Beckett, Brecht, Camus and Kafka, put a chef's hat on Hannibal Lector and bribed him to make it into a fine filigree pastry with a bottle of chianti while waving Rody Molloy's liver in front of him.
Anyone has any ideas on how we go about a bloodless revolution? Bear in mind I don't think Fianna Fail bleed.
In Recession Ireland, Fianna Fail bleeds you!

I Can Account For My Movements

2008-11-13T09:57:00.003Z

Someone set fire to Bertie Ahern's car yesterday! Last week he broke his leg and this week he's almost set on fire. At this rate he'll have his guts hung from the Spire within the fortnight.
As Sharon Stone says, this is karma Bertie. Karma's coming to get you. And karma can't be bought, muthafucka.

This Limerick Shooting

2008-11-11T16:42:00.002Z

"Garda Commissioner Fachtna Murphy has said that all the resources of the gardaí, including witness protection, are being made available to the investigation of the murder of Shane Geoghegan."
Are we to infer then, that if the intended target had been killed the same resources wouldn't have been rolled out? Are we to infer that the same resources were not made available for previous murder investigations?
If this had been the murder of a scumbag it wouldn't have made a second day's news. There would have been the usual "good enough for them" consensus. It would have been tolerated as one less thug on the street.
Why should the investigation into this murder be better resourced and cause such high level feather preening? Is it because the victim had no connections to gangs or was well known?
Murder is murder. The victim's background should not factor in finding his killers. If the investigation into Shane Geoghegan's murder is being better resourced than other investigations, it means there's a two-tier treatment of murders. It means that the killing of a scumbag is not taken as seriously as the killing of a well-known rugby player.
And if that's the case, if previous murders were not given all the resources of the Gardai and witness protection, then it created the circumstances for an innocent man to be casually gunned down in Limerick, because it set a precedent of murder without consequence.

Oi! Harney!

2008-11-06T23:23:00.004Z

Fucking Harney's pulled the plug on the cervical vaccination announced in June. Red Mum's been in touch about it, she's mad as hell. Before you read what she has to say, I'll make the following prediction: Mary Harney will not be Minister for Health after the next fortnight. She does not give a shite about the state of the HSE- her party is gone, and when it's officially gone this weekend, she'll cross the floor. Next election she won't even stand. She won't have to answer for ANYTHING she's been responsible for. She will leave her criminally negligent free-market project in failed tatters behind her, and she won't care.
It's over for Harney.
From RM:
"I wanted to seek your help in trying to force Health Minister Harney to go back on her decision to halt the HPV vaccine for 12 year old girls which can help prevent cervical cancer in future years.

This is from an idea from a listener to Ray Darcy this morning who suggested we email Harney photographs of our daughters. I have done so and I am asking you to either do the same or forward this to someone who might also feel strongly about this.

Her email is minister's_office@health.irlgov.ie

I have written about it here http://redmum.blogspot.com/2008/11/email-harney-photographs-of-your.html and here http://redmum.blogspot.com/2008/11/hpv-vaccination-programme-put-on-hold.html

If we put our minds to it we can make Harney back down on this, please help, thanks for your time".

Go for it RM, but I think you're targetting the wrong person. She's beyond mercy, she's beyond answering to an electorate. I think you need to target Cowen himself. If anyone is vunerable in that government at the moment, it's him.

Green Ink's Week

2008-11-06T23:08:00.003Z

Get your dose of Green Ink's Week exclusively on Irish Election.

Seanad Hears of Dangerous New Strain of Ecstasy

2008-11-06T21:33:00.005Z

The Seanad heard today of a dangerous new strain of the drug Ecstasy being pushed to the young people of Ireland. The strain, known as FHEXTC or "Fiddy", makes users vacuous, attention seeking, fear mongering and ultimately causes the user to attempt to interfere with other people's choices about what they put in their own bodies.
Dr. Mashed al Fuqqid, a specialist in taking drugs to see what all the fuss is about, told Green Ink that users of Fiddy suddenly crave headlines and forget all about others taking accountability for their own actions. "They often die from dehydration, not directly from the drug, but from not being able to understand choice, and therefore getting stuck in a room with two or more doors". Even one-doored rooms are not safe, Dr. Fuqqid told us, as users have two hands. "Some users will attempt to cut one hand off but usually fail when choosing a knife or deciding which hand to cut off," he gurned.
Green Ink advises any readers approached by a Fiddy peddler to tell them to fuck off.

Noel Treacy Attacks RTE's Unethical Practices

2008-11-06T20:54:00.004Z

"Fianna Fáil TD Noel Treacy has launched a wide ranging attack on RTÉ and the media, alleging bias and unethical practices." RTE.

Hmmm. Unethical... unethical... hey Noel, would that be the same accepting donations from, say, Declan Ganley?

Victory

2008-11-05T09:21:00.003Z

Photo owned by bobster1985 (cc)
It's a victory for Barack as a middle name for the 100 million babies conceived tonight in the US as Obama supporters get the horn.
Yes, yes, YES WE CAN!!!!!!
Unless you're John McCain. You can't.

Cardinal Brady Warns Over Civil Unions

2008-11-04T16:19:00.004Z

"Cardinal Brady told the annual Céifin conference in Ennis that marriage between a man and a woman is the foundation of society and that prospects for happy, loving and stable families have never been greater here."

What the fuck would Cardinal Brady know about marriage between man and woman? Apart from "Do you (groom's name) take (bride's name) while I fuck (altarboy's name)"?
Hetero couples are obviously going to get gay and be bumming from the chandeliers when civil unions come in. It'll be contagious, just like the time divorce destroyed all relationships in the country. Oh, no, wait...

Live Blogging the US Election

2008-11-03T11:33:00.004Z

Photo owned by Jo Jakeman (cc)

Simon McGarr, Alexia Golez and Suzy Byrne will be live blogging the US election tomorrow.
Anoraks at the ready.

Shoot The Art Students

2008-11-03T11:24:00.003Z

Look at this piece of shit prop for a Perlico campaign. I'll bet the cornflakes are still in there. Holy shit, how did the client not take one look at this and just run off and get a real phone? Who made it? What were they thinking? Photoshop?
Via the Minister for Communications.

Choose Carefully John Gormley

2008-10-28T17:49:00.003Z

Remember folks, John Gormley and Eamon Ryan were in cabinet discussions on the budget. They stood up and applauded Brian fucking Lenihan. Education cuts cannot have come as a surprise to them.
This is fucking over children while HSE employees get paid mileage based on fucking ENGINE SIZE without a blink.
Readers will know my opinion of the cult of Fianna Fail, but I expected better of the Green Party. John, get over your fucking vanity project of being in government (increasingly for its own sake), or you might want to consider your position as Leader of the Greens.

Facebook Blank Verse

2008-10-28T15:45:00.002Z

I was chatting to a friend on Fuckbook last night and realised I'd written some lovely blank verse in my hurry to finish a thought by repeatedly hitting return. So I saved it for posterior.

I've called this one Pacman Ghosts:

they taste like cold spider webs

they stick to the roof of your mouth

like communion wafers

and their eyes freak me out

when they burst forth from my mouth

and scurry away

to be reborn

and eaten once again

And Streetfighter:

I'm no Chun-li

I'm more a Balrog

If I was like CHun-li

I'd never leave the house

I'd just spend my days

doing high kicks

in front of a full length mirror

and sighing for the absence of a dick

Beautiful eh?

Yes, Yes, Yes!

2008-10-21T16:14:00.001Z

Plank fractured on stairs. I wonder who pushed him? There'd be so many suspects it'd be like a Cluedo factory.

Green Ink is 2

2008-10-19T18:22:00.003Z

Photo owned by adselwood (cc)

Today marks 2 years blogging for Green Ink. My first cartoon:

Mary Harney is STILL the fucking Health Minister. Sometimes I don't know why I bother...

Green Ink's Week

2008-10-17T21:57:00.002Z

New one up on IE: Fat on a Rotting Goof.

Green Ink's Week

2008-10-09T22:01:00.001Z

Brian Cowen’s Savings Advice.

20 Questions for Brian Lenihan

2008-10-08T11:01:00.004Z

1 Do you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
2 Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
3 Is gambling affecting your reputation?
4 Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
5 Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
6 Does gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
7 After losing do you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
8 After a win do you have a strong urge to return and win more?
9 Do you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
10 Have you ever borrowed to finance your gambling?
11 Have you ever sold any real or personal property to finance gambling?
12 Are you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?
13 Does gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
14 Have you ever gambled longer than you had planned?
15 Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?
16 Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
17 Does gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
18 Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?
19 Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?
20 Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

If you answer yes to 7 or more of the above Brian, please email info@gamblersanonymous.ie.

Green Ink's Week

2008-10-03T11:33:00.001Z

Brian Lenihan Throws a Safety Net.

Twenty's Big Ass Groove

2008-10-02T16:49:00.004Z

Twenty gets his huge ass off the couch and everyone slides into the ass-groove, banging heads together. Some of the stuff that's appearing as asses are shuffling is probably the reason Twenty hung up the beanie in the first place.

The cushions will flatten out folks. Stop putting your hands down the back of the couch and trying to read portents in the crumbs. Stop pulling the fluff out of your navels. It's not the end, it's not an insult, if anything it's a reminder blogging is just a fucking publishing platform.

Opinion Is Divided

2008-10-01T20:48:00.002Z

Pussy Galore and Oddjob just can't see eye to eye. I think it's shite myself. Now. There's 15 seconds where you weren't cold sweating in the knowledge that Sarah Palin is John McCain's running mate.

Goodbye Twenty

2008-09-30T09:56:00.001Z

We hardly knew you.

RTE Didn't Miss the Boat...

2008-09-30T09:47:00.002Z

It just repeats the story about it:

Somali pirates capture ship from Friday 26th September

Pirates seize Ukrainian ship from Monday 29th September

It's not as if it's a slow news week is it? Keep watching the wires, there's a report coming soon on Charlie Haughey's resignation.

Snoop Dogg was Pants but the Bloggers were Good

2008-09-25T16:06:00.002Z

So I met loads of luvverlee bloggers last night for Snoop Dogg (I can never remember, did he gain a Snoop and lose a Dogg or vice versa?)
I gave Rick a present of the underpants above, as I believe I was the only blogger in the whole country that hadn't thrown a pair at him last week. I wasn't sure of the size so I got the biggest pair of underpants Dunnes Stores had to offer.
I spotted Darragh and bounded up to say hello. He had no idea who I was. Having learned from that mistake, I bounded up to Darren to say hello, and he had no idea who I was. I'm a fast learner so vowing not to make the same mistake again, I bounded up to Rick to say hello. He guessed who I was. Apparently I look like myself.

Rick about to sniff the merchandise

Snoop Dogg put on a rather lacklustre performance, and I'm not even convinced that was really him. I think there may be a Snoop Dogg franchise, with several lookalikes on the road at the same time. We were invoked to "put (our) motherfucking hands in the air" and well, frankly I've never had that kind of relationship with my mother and therefore found it hard to fit in with the several thousand that obviously did have that kind of relationship with their mothers. I also had very little to add to the conversations on the latest gangland killings in the toylah'.

We went back to the pub.

Anonymous blogger who showers with friends and milk

Anonymous blogger Green of Eye and friend

Rick phoned in his show for the next day, Darragh did some of that recursive photography with me.

Nice to meet you all. Apparently everyone's dressing up as Bill Murray in corsets and doing striptease at the Web Awards next. Right? Isn't that right?

A Quick Recap on the Career of Frank Fahey

2008-09-17T21:13:00.002Z

Homo Sex is...

2008-09-17T11:36:00.002Z

Via the big gay Photobasement.

Green Ink in the Bath (Milk Surrogate)

2008-09-16T19:59:00.004Z

Here's Green Ink in a bath of Murphys. I won't get my kit off until the blorgy next week.
Milk.
Milky.
Milkier.
More milk.
An ocean (of milk) away.

Eamon Ryan Breaks Silence On Rossport

2008-09-16T14:34:00.002Z

Before we went into Government, I cared about Rossport this much:

And now I'm a minister, I care about it this much:

10 Killed in LA Train Crash, Schwarzenegger Vows to Increase Death Toll

2008-09-13T13:27:00.004Z

RTE has the scoop as always:

Green Ink's Week

2008-09-12T12:48:00.001Z

Noel Grealish, what are you?

Green Ink Has Hadron For Irish Indo

2008-09-11T11:10:00.002Z

There's great end-of-the-universe craic at LeCraic.

What?

2008-09-11T10:50:00.001Z

There's a lot of dog lovers out there judging by my traffic.

Blacks Face Job Discrimination, Borderline Racist Headlines on RTE

2008-09-11T10:43:00.005Z

Wops, spics and polocks are doing all right.

Improvised devices found in toilet of Dublin plane.

2008-09-06T14:51:00.004Z

Gardaí have finished interviewing the passengers and crew from the transatlantic flight affected by a security alert this morning this morning.

The plane has been handed back to the Dublin Airport Authority, whose representative was tragically crushed by the plane's weight.

The matter is under investigation. The DAA representative is under the plane.

At approximately 9.30am this morning and no other, an Aer Lingus transatlantic flight travelling from New York to Dublin landed at Dublin Airport, which was a relief.

One of the crew members on the flight had reported finding a paper towel in the toilet of the plane, with a note on it saying BOMB. The toilet also contained a massive log that wouldn't flush and a tampon, which Gardai are treating as a dirty bomb.

A photo released by Gardai of the suspected device.

This unexploded device was found on the toilet roll holder.

"This is a new weapon in the arsenal of terrorists, an arse an' all you might say", quipped well-known aeroplane passenger Karl Spain, who was travelling on the plane. In a subsequent statement to Gardai Mr. Spain expressed disappointment that other passengers hadn't heard this as it was the best joke of his career.

There were 221 passengers on board, all of whom had their arses finger-printed.

Gardaí from the Dogs Unit were involved in the operation. It took the five highly-trained officers over 7 hours to sniff all 221 passenger crotches while their dogs took statements.

A DAA spokeperson has advised passengers to be "terrified, paranoid and jump to conclusions at the merest hint of a tan, and to be on the lookout for potential terrorist weapons. These can be anything, literally anything. All airline staff are trained in spotting a much of this potentially lethal anything as a matter of course, and this should not reassure passengers. There is nothing to fear but fear itself so the safest option is a constant state of panic." The spokesperson was then crushed under the plane.

More from RTE News.

In entertainment news Karl Spain has been rushed to hospital suffering from zombieism. Doctors say well known aeroplane passenger Mr. Spain has died on stage so many times he is effectively a zombie. Mr. Spain recently returned from a brain-eating tour of Edinburgh.

Charlie Weston's Keyboard

2008-09-05T11:59:00.002Z

Heaving Feral prints a Q&A on the M50 tolls, lifted word for word from The Oirish Toimes. Blurred Keys questions a staff journalist, who threatens legal action if his name is mentioned in the post. Same journalist is asked if his name is correctly used in the byline of an Indo article which has plagiarised portions of Value Ireland. Again threatens legal action if his name is mentioned.
By harnessing the power of the internet and Green Ink's photoshopic memory the litiginous journo is revealed.
Dunno who copied and pasted Conor's article though.

Olympic Doping Scandal

2008-08-22T14:09:00.004Z

You'll have to make do with Green Ink's Week this week. I'm far too busy to be entertaining you feckless hordes.
I'll be back soon though. I'm not doing a Jazz Biscuit.

Green Ink's Week

2008-08-15T12:19:00.001Z

New one up on Irish Election.

Russia, The Time to Invade America is NOW!!!

2008-08-15T00:19:00.005Z

Clicky.

Tanks GO GO GO!!! Everyone is so busy slagging Jessica no one will notice you travelling half way around the world to invade! Georgia is probably a good start- with the resulting confusion you'd take the country within hours.

The thread is here.

Via Ask About Money.

UPDATED: Looks like as well as throwing RTE, the shocking fact that two different places have the same name confused the hell out of Google News too...

Headfcking P8rverts

2008-08-13T00:30:00.005Z

This post has been getting a lot of traffic from people I'd gladly mince to pieces with a Playdoh accessory. So I thought I'd fuck with them a bit. If I get even one of them to jump out a window it'll be worth it.
Why? Because they're arriving using search terms that make me want to pack in blogging, smash my computer to pieces and live like a hermit in a shack up a mountain without electricity, out of sheer misery at the depravity of some members of the human race.

Olympic Singer Mimed, Mimes Chinese Official

2008-08-12T23:06:00.005Z

A pretty girl who shot ~~Tibetans~~ to fame at China's Olympic opening ceremony was a photogenic front for the real singer, it has emerged.

Nine-year-old Lin Miaoke has been celebrated across China as the angelic voice with the cute face who sang 'Ode to the Motherfucking Chinaland' at Friday's opening extravaganza.

But a director of the opening ceremony, Chen Qigang, told state television Miss Lin's voice was overdubbed by the singing of the real child singer Yang Peiyi.

'Yang Peiyi missed out on selection (to appear at the ceremony) because of her external appearance. It was for the national interest,' Mr Chen was quoted as saying by the government-run China News Service.

Chen Qigang (left) and real singer Yang Peiyi

China has gone to extraordinary lengths and expense to ensure a picture perfect Games, including innovative measures to combat smog.
15,000 workers from China's outer regions were bused into Beijing and made take a really deep breath at 8.07pm on Friday evening pm, after midday that is, just so there's no confusion with a similar time that occurs in the morning called 8.07am in the morning. Once the games are over it is believed Chinese authorities will allow them to exhale into special filters from which lead will be extracted to make new toys for America.

An official has also disclosed that some of the executions of Falun Gong practitioners broadcast at the opening were pre-recorded.

RTE Reporting End to Russia-Wexford Hostilities

2008-08-12T18:31:00.003Z

Click to embiggen.

Further coverage.

Green Ink's Week

2008-08-12T14:11:00.001Z

I was away last week. Just pretend it's last Friday. Green Ink' Week on Irish Election.

Frankie Gavin Made Unwitting Weapon of Musical Destruction by White House

2008-08-04T23:16:00.008Z

Crazy Eyes Gavin attempting to memorise his target. Over there Frankie. In your hand.

Popular Galway fiddler Frankie Gavin has become an unwitting accomplice in a White House plan to assassinate Presidential hopeful Barack Obama, Green Ink can reveal.
Green Ink has received documents from a source, identified only as Tickley Cough, that reveal popular fiddler Gavin will attempt to assassinate Mr. Obama if it appears that his election bid will be successful.
The documents allege that popular fiddler Gavin will attempt to kill Obama at a special gala performance for him and the other presidential candidate John McCain in the White House. The documents detail how popular fiddler Gavin has been programmed to kill with a command word, which is included in the file. For readers' safety Green Ink will not publish the command word in its entirety.
The codeword is p*blicity.

Gavin, the Ghost of Washington, Bush, and the "Violin Case"

The plan, codenamed The Martelé Candidate, states that George Bush will address the guests and utter the codeword, whereupon popular fiddler Gavin will produce a tommy gun from his violin case and empty it into Obama's head until he is no longer beautiful. The documents state that popular fiddler Gavin may need to reload several times to achieve this.
When Obama is dead popular fiddler Gavin is to sit down and calmly resume playing. The last pages of the photocopied documents are obscured somewhat, as if the originals have been hurriedly lifted while being copied. What can be made out are a few fractions of sentences: "White House Press Office... black is white... up is down... believe whatever we tell them... space-time continuum" can just be made out.
Green Ink contacted popular fiddler Gavin by telephone and asked him if he'd have happily posed for photographs with Hitler. Popular fiddler Gavin's reply was "Oh absolutely, imagine the publicit-".
There followed several loud bangs and screams, then the line went dead.

Green Ink's Week

2008-08-01T12:35:00.001Z

New cartoon up on Irish Election.

Reynolds to Give Evidence Using Movie Plot Device

2008-07-31T12:50:00.004Z

Former Taoiseach Albert Reynolds, who was yesterday declared medically unfit to give evidence at the Mahon Tribunal, will now be able to give evidence thanks to a series of tattoos all over his body.
Doctors yesterday wrote sicknotes for Mr. Reynolds because he has cognitive impairment, which is the medical name for when a politician says he can't recall the circumstances of bribes he has accepted.
However in a fictional turn of events Mr. Reynolds will now give evidence based on a series of tattoos all over his body. Mr. Reynolds told reporters this morning that he thought he'd got the idea from a movie starring the guy from Neighbours, but he wasn't sure and would have to go and read his left buttock to check.
When he returned he seemed to have forgotten that he was about to give evidence to the Tribunal until he rolled up his sleeve and read his right elbow. Mr. Reynolds was then ushered away by his tattoo artists, who wouldn't allow any more questions.

At the time of writing it is still unclear whether "I luv Mum" will form part of Mr. Reynold's evidence.

Civil Partnerships

2008-07-31T00:27:00.004Z

Suzy pointed out the following letter from the Irish Times and it's so good I'm reproducing it here. It's time Ireland faced the fact that human beings have loving relationships and families with human beings: it's a social reality that legislation needs to reflect without bias to sexuality or circumstance.

"Madam, - I am a 22-year-old man, living in Dublin and studying psychology in UCD. I was born in London, and have been living in Ireland for the past 13 years. I have a younger brother, Daragh, and two loving parents. My parents have been in a relationship for 28 years, since they were students.

In many ways my family are very regular; we have family dinners, we go to museums and we help each other out when the need arises. However, one detail leads to our family being treated dramatically differently. My parents are a lesbian couple called Ann and Bernadette, and in spite of their strong 28-year relationship, they are effectively treated as second-class citizens. I was conceived using sperm from a donor; there was no sexual relationship between Ann and the man who donated sperm, and I consider both Ann and Bernadette to be my parents, and both to be my mothers.

In many ways our family is lucky; my parents' relationship is healthy, neither of them has been seriously ill and we have not experienced major misfortunes. However, if this had not been the case, and the family unit had broken apart, there would have been significant and unfair legal and financial difficulties regarding both custody and access to us, their children, and regarding passing money and property to us. As Bernadette is not my biological mother, there would have been a particular issue for her. Even now, with both Daragh and myself being adults, we are denied inheritance and succession rights to Bernadette's property and wealth.

I am very pleased that the Government has begun the process of recognising my parents' same-sex relationship, and that their relationship will be given legal recognition for the first time. This will provide them with security for the future, as well as provisions for inheritance, succession, etc.

However, as a son of a same-sex couple, I am very concerned that the Heads of Bill do not provide for them as parents. Neglecting this area leaves my family in an extremely vulnerable position, and I would be left vulnerable should anything happen to Ann, my biological parent.

The complexity of this area requires that a delicate approach be taken, but I urge the Government to provide the means of extending the rights and responsibilities of biological parents to non-biological parents. Bernadette is my mother, in emotional, financial and caring terms. This needs to be recognised by the Government, and provisions be put in place for the protection of children brought up in the same context.

Not providing legal recognition for Bernadette as my mother leads to many problems. If I were to be admitted to hospital, she would not have the right to visit me as her son. She would not need to be consulted or informed of any medical decisions made. Similarly, should she be in such a situation I would not have the right to be consulted either. There are no provisions for inheritance either; in the event of her death she could not leave me anything as a family member, and as such it would be subject to unfair inheritance tax. From a social point of view, not recognising her status as my mother is simply fuelling the stigma that same-sex relationships and parents are second to heterosexual parents, an idea not supported by vast amounts of research. It is for these reasons that I urge the Government to take into account families like mine, who are not currently given the protection and respect by the State they deserve, and the children of same-sex couples who need to be protected by the Civil Partnership Bill. - Yours, etc,

CONOR PENDERGRAST, Stillorgan, Co Dublin.

Knackers.

2008-07-29T23:47:00.000Z

Embedded from RTE.IE

Hospital To Be Placed Inside Amy Winehouse

2008-07-29T09:51:00.004Z

Artist's impression of how Amy might look.

Surgeons are today preparing to put a hospital inside of singer Amy Winehouse. After consulting with her parents and the media, doctors at the recently opened Amy Winehouse Wing of University College Hospital decided on the drastic measure to save the career of the 24-year-old twiglet.
Dr. Wilmot P. Flashbank-Camera, granting exclusives to reporters on a one by one basis, said "it became apparent that as Miss Winehouse was spending so much time in hospital, it was logical to put a hospital in Miss Winehouse. This way she can become sick as a junkie elephant and still manage to mumble through her performances".
Doctors are still deciding whether to also insert paparazzi into her rectum as part of the procedure or to schedule that surgery for another date.

Government to Launch Quango-busting Quango

2008-07-29T08:33:00.003Z

The Government is planning a new agency to decide the fate of various government agencies, Green Ink can reveal. In a late-night note under the door, an unnamed Government spokesman has said that the new Agency would have far reaching powers of rhetoric and inaction, with a widely-flung brief and self-serving agenda that are guaranteed to see its existence outlast the Irish State. The statement continued that no Minister would have direct control over the Agency and as no targets were being set it is envisaged that no matter what the new Agency does it will have a 100% success rate. The statement almost concluded that while the public will not be informed who is actually in charge of the Agency, it would be vaguely hinted it was something to do with Eddie Hobbes and SUVs outside Aldi and Lidl. The statement concluded with some garlic sauce. Sources would not be drawn on whether this was part of Brian Cowen's new healthy eating regime.

Meanwhile Minister Without a Pulse Mary Hanafin has announced that once the less well-off members of society start stretching pennies in the face of a leaner economy she is confident that there will be enough copper wire for a viable export industry.

Real IRA: We Have the Cody Dresses

2008-07-28T12:00:00.005Z

A photograph released by the RIRA this morning

In a shocking turn of events Green Ink can reveal that the Real IRA were behind last night's daring raid on the Dublin studio of designer Helen Cody.
In a statement released this morning using the recognised codeword SITC (pronounced shit) the RIRA said:
"As part of our continuing effort to create a sovereign thirty-two county Republic the Real IRA plans to infiltrate the Dublin social scene and get some nice coverage for the cause in the Sunday Independent. The dresses will be released unharmed when this operation is over. Any attempt to free the dresses would be very unfashionable".
When contacted for comment Helen Cody said "they've stretched them, they've stretched them!" before fainting.
A PSNI spokesperson has said that the recent finds of cheese cubes, olives and broken cocktail glasses in the Antrim countryside may be connected.

Meanwhile a Garda spokesperson has refused to confirm reports that investigating Gardai are planning a sting charity dinner, codenamed Operation Toe-Cleavage.

Further coverage on RTE.

Capital Punishment in the USA

2008-07-26T15:02:00.002Z

Fucking hell, the crazies are out over at Bock's. Not content with this week's official whitewash of the AJ Hanlon murder, one neighbourhood plank is arguing in Gonzalez's defence and left this beauty:

'And as for your comment “I wasn’t aware that knocking on doors and waving your arms around carried the death penalty in the US.”

I can only say that: NOW YOU ARE!'

Profound Systems Failure Me Hole

2008-07-25T13:06:00.004Z

"Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern has apologised to a woman after a 'profound systems failure' led to her husband and three young children being left in an Ethiopian refugee camp for three years, despite the fact that visas had been issued for them to come to Ireland."
There's just a huge amount of Jobsworths in state jobs who are lazy cunts that could not give a fuck about anyone. This is not a profound systems failure, it's a profound giving-a-shit failure.
I will soon recount my friend's adventures in the land of "getting psychiatric care for her suicidal brother" if he hasn't killed himself in the mean time. Now that's a case of profound giving-a-shit failure.

Dublin Cable Car Proposal Back on the Drawing Board

2008-07-25T12:31:00.008Z

THE DEVELOPER behind the €90 million "Godsuas" cable car project for the River Liffey is to seek planning permission from Dublin City Council for the scheme, after failing to secure fast-track planning approval from An Bord Pleanála.

Developer Barry Boland said the Godsuas would be a tourist attraction rather than a public transport system.

Mr Boland said it was up to "lots of envelopes stuffed-to-fuck with money" to decide if it detracted from the skyline. He had wanted the support structures to be in the shape of Godzilla holding a pint of Guinness, but this violated advertising codes. The structures will now simply resemble Godzilla.

City Planners are also in talks with Anthony Gormley to have his "Man Grabbing Crotch" modified to look more like Jet Jaguar to blend in with Dublin's proposed new skyline.

Original story Irish Times.

Silverton, Oregon

2008-07-25T12:03:00.002Z

US officer cleared over Irishman's killing
City of Silverton
Bock's coverage and comments from friends and family.

Let me reiterate...

2008-07-25T11:20:00.001Z

Fuck the Beijing Olympics.

Green Ink's Week

2008-07-24T23:33:00.001Z

The Sleep of Sarkozy produces Sarkozy.

Poison Harney

2008-07-23T14:52:00.001Z

Batman Star Arrested

2008-07-22T18:08:00.002Z

Batman star Christian Bale has been arrested for assaulting his sister and mother (pictured above).

AJ Hanlon's family needs your help.

2008-07-22T15:02:00.006Z

Irish man AJ Hanlon was murdered earlier this month in Oregon by a part-time policeman who is also a child-molester.
Bock has been covering the story in great detail.
The family has received no help from the Irish Government [edit] in repatriating the body. The grief at AJ's murder is being compounded by the attempted cover-up the local police are now engaged in. AJ's family has been left with a crippling bill in getting his body home and needs help.

If you can, please make a donation to:

Account name: Kate Hanlon re Andrew Hanlon Home Fund

Account number; 08376045

Sort code; 93 13 30

Bank; AIB Terenure, Dublin

My condolences to everyone that knew AJ.

Aw, Bless.

2008-07-19T14:59:00.002Z

You never learn son. Each time it's a guess.

If men got pregnant there'd be abortion clinics beside every pub, nightclub and chipper

2008-07-19T14:36:00.004Z

Photo owned by mikebaird (cc)
JC at Skinflicks has what he thinks is a solution to the abortion issue in Ireland. I think he's wrong, wrongitty wrong.